Just saying hello

[Stray]

*waves*

I was diagnosed this week, at the age of 34.

They're diagnosing me with Autism. The person who did my main assessment congratulated me

It had never, ever occurred to me that I might have autism - somewhat ridiculous as my best friend who lives with us has Tourettes and related ASD, and my step-son has been diagnosed with Sensory Integration Disorder / Auditory Processing Disorder and DCD... so it's not like I knew nothing about it. What I did know was very much dominated by the older stereotypes, and based around boys, so I never made the connection.

Also I was just blind to the things I was blind to. To me, my ways of thinking about and understanding the world make perfect sense. I didn't know - still don't 'know' really, but I believe the assessment - that I can't really read non-verbals.

Getting this diagnosis feels fantastic. I've always felt like an alien. I've dealt with some very serious mental health problems - even spent time on locked wards - and I can now see how being autistic in an NT world could make the problems I had so difficult to manage.

I feel excited about being able to be 'me' in a more ... well, I guess a more deliberate, joyful way. I feel like a whole plethora of weights and obligations and constraints have been lifted from me. Weddings? I'll be in the car doing sudoku thanks. I'll pop in from time to time but I'm no more equipped to sit around chatting all day than the NTs are to solving maths problems for 12 hours straight.

I have a wonderful partner who is a psychotherapist. She has been totally supportive, and we have a very loving relationship with great deal of shared meaning, we just sometimes have problems with communication. Realising that there are ways in which our minds are just too different to meet intuitively is a relief. We can enjoy meeting where we do, and be ok about not meeting where we can't.

I'm extremely lucky that I've managed to create a life for myself which suits my neurology. I work from home as a computer programmer, and live in a tiny village in the middle of nowhere. There are only a small number of things I'd like to change and I feel like I have permission to do that now, instead of trying to be 'normal'.

I also realise that I was actually lucky to be born at the time that I was. Of course there was no hope of me getting a DX, but it was before the national curriculum. I was obsessed by and gifted at maths and science from the get go, and my teachers took the time and energy to let me always have special work and projects to occupy me. I doubt that flexibility would be there today so I imagine in today's classroom I would be as lost and anxious as I used to feel in the moments when I didn't have a task to engage me.

At the moment I'm only 'coming out' as having autism to a handful of people who I know can be trusted to respond appropriately. My partner has persuaded me that we need to sit with it for a long time before we can expose ourselves to the ignorance of other people, with their 'helpful' comments.

So... yes, hello!

[Romersa's Protege]

@ Stray: Wilkommen! I'm glad you can be happy being you the way that you are. This is something that I hope for all Autistics wherever we are on the spectrum.