Sibling Reactions

[Janice Adamson]

adapted (and re-adapted) from "For The Love of Siblings... Who Cope With Special Brothers and Sisters"

There has been an increasing awareness that the child with learning disabilities has an influence on his/her siblings. Whether this is a positive or negative effect depends on many factors: socio-economic status of the family, having more than one child afflicted, family size, birth order, gender of siblings, parental attitude/involvement and type and quality of services provided to the family.

Although many people do not follow the same pattern and order of emotional reactions,(to some degree) siblings often experience the same basic reactions of resentment, hostility, shame, denial, guilt and grief.

One of the sibling's greatest needs is for information. They may be afraid to ask what is wrong when it becomes apparent that their brother or sister is very different from themselves. It is important that there be honest communication between siblings, parents and/or professionals.

Common Occurrences:

* Siblings often feel jealous when their parents spend more time with the child with learning disabilities. They may feel left out and grow to believe that they have to act out to be noticed.

* In small families, the sibling may feel pressured. They may resent it if their parents expect them to compensate for the child having a learning disability by (for example) having expectations for them to be excelling in school and/or other areas beyond what they are realistically capable of.

* Siblings may get angry if they feel there are two sets of rules in the house.

* Children often feel guilty if they don't defend their sibling when others are teasing him/her. Oftentimes,they may feel like they have to protect them. They may also feel guilty because they can do things which their sibling cannot.

* Even those who love and enjoy their brother(s) and/or sister(s) with learning disabilities, they may have moments where they may feel embarassed. They may also be stigmatized by peers, teachers and society.

* The sibling may feel lucky. They have a greater appreciation of themselves and their capabilities.

* They may be very responsible and patient towards others who have a disability or are different in some way.

* They are often more sensitive to prejudice and its consequences.

* He/she may feel proud of their sibling with a disability when they accomplish a task.

* A sibling senses a special closeness and love when the family is able to cope and be/become supportive.

WAYS PARENTS CAN HELP MEET THE NEEDS OF SIBLINGS:

- Parents must accept the disability. Their other children will model the parent's attitude towards the disability.

- Educate oneself, to help spread awareness, acceptance and understanding amongst friends and extended family members. This will provide for a more normalized environment when they come to visit.

- Encourage your children to have their friends over to visit, as any other family would.

- It is important to educate their child(ren) on the disability and explain how and why their sibling learns, behaves and reacts/acts differently.

- Try to spend "fair" (which does not always mean equal) and quality time with all of the children within the family.

- Avoid comparisons between any of your children.

- Establish a support network for the family *to include babysitters, relatives, friends, respite, etc. to help establish 1:1 time with each child individually if possible.

- Have fair discipline practices for all of the children within the household.

- Encourage schools involved to provide for a supportive environment. Enlist in the help of the resource team, teachers etc. to provide awareness to other students, as well as support services for the family and sibling(s). (i.e. counselling)

- Listen to the concerns of your children, their viewpoints, issues and concerns. Validate their feelings. Try to understand things from their perspective, and listen, (really listen) to what they may be trying to convey.

- Do not overburden your children with unrealistic expectations of helping out. Remember your child needs to be a child.

- Reassure them that you love them, too. Don't expect perfection or for them to always behave appropriately, just because they don't have a disability. Accept them for who they are, and simply for who they will one day eventually be and become.

[Guest]

(03-28-2010 04:22 AM)Janice Adamson Wrote:  adapted (and re-adapted) from "For The Love of Siblings... Who Cope With Special Brothers and Sisters"

There has been an increasing awareness that the child with learning disabilities has an influence on his/her siblings. Whether this is a positive or negative effect depends on many factors: socio-economic status of the family, having more than one child afflicted, family size, birth order, gender of siblings, parental attitude/involvement and type and quality of services provided to the family.

Although many people do not follow the same pattern and order of emotional reactions,(to some degree) siblings often experience the same basic reactions of resentment, hostility, shame, denial, guilt and grief.

One of the sibling's greatest needs is for information. They may be afraid to ask what is wrong when it becomes apparent that their brother or sister is very different from themselves. It is important that there be honest communication between siblings, parents and/or professionals.

Common Occurrences:

* Siblings often feel jealous when their parents spend more time with the child with learning disabilities. They may feel left out and grow to believe that they have to act out to be noticed.

* In small families, the sibling may feel pressured. They may resent it if their parents expect them to compensate for the child having a learning disability by (for example) having expectations for them to be excelling in school and/or other areas beyond what they are realistically capable of.

* Siblings may get angry if they feel there are two sets of rules in the house.

* Children often feel guilty if they don't defend their sibling when others are teasing him/her. Oftentimes,they may feel like they have to protect them. They may also feel guilty because they can do things which their sibling cannot.

* Even those who love and enjoy their brother(s) and/or sister(s) with learning disabilities, they may have moments where they may feel embarassed. They may also be stigmatized by peers, teachers and society.

* The sibling may feel lucky. They have a greater appreciation of themselves and their capabilities.

* They may be very responsible and patient towards others who have a disability or are different in some way.

* They are often more sensitive to prejudice and its consequences.

* He/she may feel proud of their sibling with a disability when they accomplish a task.

* A sibling senses a special closeness and love when the family is able to cope and be/become supportive.

WAYS PARENTS CAN HELP MEET THE NEEDS OF SIBLINGS:

- Parents must accept the disability. Their other children will model the parent's attitude towards the disability.

- Educate oneself, to help spread awareness, acceptance and understanding amongst friends and extended family members. This will provide for a more normalized environment when they come to visit.

- Encourage your children to have their friends over to visit, as any other family would.

- It is important to educate their child(ren) on the disability and explain how and why their sibling learns, behaves and reacts/acts differently.

- Try to spend "fair" (which does not always mean equal) and quality time with all of the children within the family.

- Avoid comparisons between any of your children.

- Establish a support network for the family *to include babysitters, relatives, friends, respite, etc. to help establish 1:1 time with each child individually if possible.

- Have fair discipline practices for all of the children within the household.

- Encourage schools involved to provide for a supportive environment. Enlist in the help of the resource team, teachers etc. to provide awareness to other students, as well as support services for the family and sibling(s). (i.e. counselling)

- Listen to the concerns of your children, their viewpoints, issues and concerns. Validate their feelings. Try to understand things from their perspective, and listen, (really listen) to what they may be trying to convey.

- Do not overburden your children with unrealistic expectations of helping out. Remember your child needs to be a child.

- Reassure them that you love them, too. Don't expect perfection or for them to always behave appropriately, just because they don't have a disability. Accept them for who they are, and simply for who they will one day eventually be and become.

I think my 6 year old daughter copes really well with having a 4 year year old sister with severe Autism-although obviously its limited how much she really understands about Autism.
I think its helped because my daughters schools are next to each other, so even before her sister was at the "special" school, her and her classmates intergrated with the special needs children-so the only problem is that she wants to go to the special school with the sensory room, ball pit and swimming pool!
She also goes to the holiday scheme with her sister, so this means she spends time with her sister and more physically disabled children too.
She takes advantage too, knowing her sister often loses interest quickly and so she moves in to take the "new toy"!

[Sali]

* Siblings often feel jealous when their parents spend more time with the child with learning disabilities. They may feel left out and grow to believe that they have to act out to be noticed.

With my friend who has a 7-year-old autistic son and two other kids, I notice this a lot. It almost seems like his two other kids have accepted that they will never get as much attention from their dad as their brother gets. I know my friend tries to do his best to spend time with his two other kids and do things they like to do but it just seems like it's not enough. His older 13-year-old son seems more removed and angry. I kind of fear that he will get into trouble eventually as a way of trying to steal attention from his autistic brother.

[hootienmira]

I'm my brothers best friend always have been. He's 16 n I am 20. We've always been close. His autism is severe and has mild mental retardation. When I was younger and he'd thro a fit in Walmart n wind up on the floor, id sit next to him and rub his back till he was done. Why cause it calmed him down and he needed me. When ppl stare at him and make him uneasy...I bark at them. Why cause staring makes it worse and I pull there attention towards me. I feel as his sister if I put myself out there he won't feel alone because he is not alone. He doesn't understand the stares the pointing n god forbid the laughing n poking fun... I do and it hurts me. But why let it bother u...there gonna point there gonna stare. I look past that and concentration on my brother n how he's feeling how I can help him. Ur sibling is there a life time the random ppl around u are only there for a moment who are they to judge. As far as jealousy goes that's selfish. They get more attention because they need it be fucking grateful u don't. U want that attention get involved make there autism ur autism. Be the one thats there with praise and support. Got friends that talk crap and judge ur kin? There not friends. Ur sibling can be the best of friend if effort is made.

I'm 20yrs old I have custody of my brother I am a sibling of a teen with autism and I made a difference in his life. Nothing will ever feel better than that. His dad ditches us and our mother was a drug addict and alcoholic who recently past. Every sibling has the option to resent there blood or show how thick it truely is. It's hard it hurts and I'm scared for his future but I can't imagine a life without him.