why does he hate me???????

[annie]

Hi everyone, hope you all are well,
I have had a terrible time lately with aj i really feel likes he hates me sometimes everytime i ask him anything he flys at me pushing me throwing things at me (a tv controler, a glass, his shoes,) the list could go on if i go to my parents house with him and I ask him to do something he will do it no problem but if i ask him to do the same thing at home he goes mad i am getting so frustrated and upset at home sometimes i wonder if i can cope.
I have finished with my boyfriend i have been with for almost a year because i had to call an ambulance to him 2 weeks ago as he collesped in town then last friday he told me he is an alcoholic he drinks almost a bottle a vodka a day he has lied to me for almost a year and i had NO idea he has taken both my kids off at different times by himself and put both of them especialy aj even though my daughter Carys-Faith is only 2 1/2 at risk i could kick myself for doing that but i had no idea as soon as i found out i told him it was over and he was to have nothing else to do with my kids.
My health is getting under control i have a very bad thyrold problem which i am on medication for so thats getting there. Aj is hard work as always but i love him so much i keep working at it.
Enough of me banging on but i really think you guys for being here and understanding, love to you all!!

[Noctivagus]

Hi Annie :o)

I hope things have worked out better for you since you posted this thread. I'm only new here so I haven't seen the post before.

All my very best wishes to you :oD

[louisereecejones]

hi annie,
sounds like you could do with sitting down with a box of tissues and having a good cry x its amazing how much it will make you feel better, then pick your self up and start again x
Your son does not hate you he is lashing out at you because he knows he is safe to do so. keep telling him you love him and try not to give in because he kicks off you need to be strong.
It maybe worth making a visual aid to tell him what you would like because childrn like ours do not like to do what you want they have there own plans and thats were the explosive behaviour comes from x keep calm and set firm boundaries and clear routine always warning if things are going to change. One of the most important things do not show emotion as this can confuse things as he may not understand why you are angry and therefore he could explode set you instruction clear useing clear words and remember to say now if you want it done straight away. also give him time to process your instruction x

hope this helps sorry for going on x
love louise x

[Noctivagus]

Great post with great advice, Louise

As somebody who is Autistic himself, I would like to comment on the one line I had a little problem with.

(08-17-2009 10:42 AM)louisereecejones Wrote:  It maybe worth making a visual aid to tell him what you would like because childrn like ours do not like to do what you want they have there own plans and thats were the explosive behaviour comes from...

Visual aids are often great because Autistics generally find it easier to process visual information rather than from other senses. I say 'generally' because all Autistics are different although there are general matters in which many are similar.

My problem comes when you write that Autistic children '...do not like to do what you want...' Yes there are such times, but this is true of NT children just as much and the Autistic does not stand apart in this. The problem is that following the instructions of another, for both Autistic child and Autistic adult, is full of anxiety and often frustration. It is like dancing to a complex tune you have not heard before, while the great fear of failure/error hangs over your head. It is very difficult for an Autistic to dance to somebody else's tune... full of anxiety and frustration (the frustration is often where the anger comes from). Visual aids are great for this, especially if they help break tasks down into bite sized logical progressions. It helps the Autistic process the instruction better.

Often the Autistic wishes to please. Just like anybody else, we do not like to displease others. However we also often have a fear of failure which is more magnified than the NT... this fear and the effort involved for us may make us resistant to trying.

Also many Autistics have something called 'Autistic Inertia'. This makes both starting a task and stopping said task very difficult. We can have great focus because of this, but it makes both ends of an activity very difficult to cope with. It can take me several hours of consideration to actually get enough momentum to get down to a task, and likewise, after such focus it can leave me pacing downstairs unable to settle for several hours after a task has finished, because the momentum built up is still with me. This is Autistic Inertia. It makes task switching very difficult.

I can understand why it may seem as if Autistics 'do not like' to stop what they are doing and do want you wish them to do. However it is not 'liking' in many cases... but rather those things mentioned above.

Hope this post is helpful to you both

[louisereecejones]

my point wth the visual aid was simply i also have autism and i find it easier to follow instructions from a picture than hearing someones voice drone in my head and this can cause great distress to me at times the different enviroments also effect how i process things so if the tv is on and the fridge and the washing machine and anything else buzzing around me one more voice is enough to tip me over the edge so a simple picture just hepls x hope this explains a little better x

[cyberpedz]

Well explained and great posts Louise

[Noctivagus]

(08-17-2009 03:48 PM)louisereecejones Wrote:  my point wth the visual aid...

Sorry, I probably did not put what I meant well. I completely agree with your point about visual aids. My discomfort was with the statement that Autistic children do not 'like' to do what others want.

Its the word 'like' that I was disagreeing with. However, looking at it again, I would probably be considered over pedantic about it... I suppose. I was saying, more or less that 'do not like' is not necessarilly the case and 'are not able' would be the better phrase to put for accuracy.

However, being a newbie and unknown, I will shut up now.

[Ma Griff]

A fascinating and useful post Noctivagus. It could really help with my grandson as he always kicks off when he is asked to do something. Thank you. x

[Noctivagus]

(10-26-2009 10:08 AM)Ma Griff Wrote:  A fascinating and useful post Noctivagus. It could really help with my grandson as he always kicks off when he is asked to do something. Thank you. x

My pleasure, Ma Griff

I'm very glad that you have found it interesting and of use

[Romersa's Protege]

Good advice from Louise and brilliant insight from Noctivagus. I myself find that I avoid following instructions so that I can't get anything wrong and avoid further, worse condemnation.